last video to enjoy the night(:


i shall upload more soon.

Labels: miss you very much.

12:52 AM

my heart burns for you'
you see past all my lies.

i need to ventilate a little.
can't sleep and with all these thoughts in my head,
i think i might fall even more.
fever last night of 38 was abit of a nostalgia.

these 2 weeks,
i've learnt much,gained much,
and felt like ive lost something.
found my childhood,
found a long lost sweetheart, or maybe a new one,
discovered a part of myself i dint reli knew and i intrigued myself,
realised the depravity of myself and how helpless i could become,
and how tough nursing a job could be.

and so much more.

while my friends back in singapore led their lives,
these are the wonderful people who became an important part of my life,
and my sweetheart for awhile.

while i wait for my photos to upload,
i really have much to ponder about.

i gave my red bible away, and i want a new one.
i felt like i lost somepart of me back there.
not in the bible,
but a part of what i used to believe in.
didn;t i pray enough?
pray hard,
and believed?
why didn't anything happen,
or at least with my physical eyes.
and to see her suffer so much in agony,
the night that we spent nursing her,
and crying and praying.
too much for me to handle.
and i still feel that deep loss right now,
what happened back there?
but i still praise you,
i do.
but it just feels different.
i can't bring myself to where i used to be before.

and i wonder what is on your mind now.

really.

because i feel so far away from you,

feel you move
somewhere in front of me
i can't place you with these eyes
for the doubt i can't see

when i can't feel you
i have learnt to reach out just the same
when i can't hear you
i know you still hear every word i pray
and i want you
more than i wanna live another day
as i wait for you
maybe i'm made more
faithful.

and i thought i heard a proposal from dearest edo.
my sweetheart back in indon. if only he was older,
totally charmed me and won me over,
but of course, he was too young and had his faults,
who doesn't?
don't rate me a pedophile,
im not.
wait til you hear his voice and guitar and drum playing.
and he is only thirteen.
God really gave him so many talents.
and with it, it does come with great responsibilities.
i wrote him a letter,
and he cried.
called me into the room,
and i tried my best to comfort him.
it really touched my heart.

here s darling edo:


my sweetheart!!
grins.


beloved moody:


dearest tasya who s always off in her own world but so pretty still:


dearest mr and mrs anton:


ari who s always such a joy and delight:


Brown/Moppy, the family dog whom i simply adore because of his faithfulness and adorable-ness:


dearest bimbo who was such a delight and fun person to bully, heh:


and with this last picture, i shall sleep,
remembering how sweet it was to watch them sleep,
and remembering the lovely times playing and taking care of them.



goodnight to you in indon, edo, moody and tasya, and the anton family.
God bless you very much as you cont to serve him and love him in indon.
missing you very much.

11:42 PM

my heart burns for you'
you see past all my lies.

"Broken"

The broken clock is a comfort,
it helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow
from stealing all my time
I am here still waiting
though i still have my doubts
I am damaged at best,
like you've already figured out

I'm falling apart,
I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain,
there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on,
I'm holdin' on,
I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to you

The broken locks were a warning
you got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded,
I'm an open book instead
I still see your reflection
inside my eyes
That are looking for a purpose,
they're still looking for life

I'm falling apart,
I'm barely breathing
with a broken heart that's still bleeding
In the pain
is there healing
In your name
I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on
I'm holdin' on
I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to you

I'm hangin' on another day
Just to see what you throw my way
And I'm hanging on
to the words you say
You said that I will be OK

The broken lights on the freeway
left me here alone
I may have lost my way now,
haven't forgotten my way home

I'm falling apart,
I'm barely breathing
with a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to you

i'll journey with You.
goodbye for now.

Labels: but for now

12:23 AM

my heart burns for you'
you see past all my lies.

i missed it.
with a turn,
a selfish whim,
a sinner's step.
and i missed it.

and so i mourn.
what have i done?

i do not know.
but i come to You again.
and ask You to find me,
to bring me back
to Your side again.
call me, lead me.
guide me,
for i am but blind,
lost and helpless.


dig deeper.
and i feel like _________.
fill it in.
i can't be bothered.

be still my soul
be still my soul
cease from the labour and the toil

maybe it's due to lack of sleep.
maybe it's my pride,
my selfishness.
what a wretched soul i am.


*


i haven't packed.
at all, and i feel all over again.
with things that probably go deeper within.
because sometimes,
you never know who really bothers,
to shake my head and smile
and say it doesn't matter,
and i try my best to not put a thought into it,
and i struggle.
but it still does, anyway.
i toss and turn,
smell the air,
and think.
frustration, and then remorse,
guilt.
and i find it all pointless.
"Vanity, vanity! All is vanity!"
save but the Cross of Christ.
and i look into You,
and find all meaning.
all reason to go on
into the night and
into another day.

because You whisper and say,
"You are the apple of My eye.
And I love you."

how can i help but weep,
and fall and crumble in awe.
remove whatever that blinds me from Your love.

Love so amazing, so divine
demands my soul,
my life,
my all.

and You give me the peace to fall into slumber.

and,
gone.
for the next 2 weeks.

God is good
all the time
He put a song of praise in this heart of mine
God is good
all the time
through the darkest night
His light will shine
God is good all the time.

Labels: would you call me

12:34 AM

my heart burns for you'
you see past all my lies.

funny how you speak to me at weird times,
and at late nights and early mornings.

"Have you seen what backsliding Israel has done?
She has gone up on every high mountain and under every green tree, and there played the harlot.
And I said, " Return to Me."
'Return, backsliding Israel,' says the
Lord;
'I will not cause My anger to fall on you.
For I am merciful,' says the LORD;
'I will not remain angry forever.
Only acknowledge your iniquity,
that you have transgressed against the
LORD your God,
and have scattered your charms
to alien deities under every green tree,
and you have not obeyed My voie,' says
the LORD.

Jeremiah Chapter 3.

and i return.
i bow my knee.
in humility.
i have turned away from You,
my God, my LORD.
and to worthless substitutes.
played the harlot,
danced with idols that so displease you.
search my heart,
and show me.

'I lie down in shame,
and reproach covers me.
I have sinned against You.'

Come after me,
chase me,
love me.
For I am wretched and lowly.
Draw me to Yourself.

If to distant lands I scatter
If I sail to farthest seas
Would you find and firm and gather
'til I only dwell in Thee?

If I flee from greenest pastures
Would you leave to look for me?
Forfeit glory to come after
'Til I only dwell in Thee



and i know You came.
You did.
from Heaven's glory,
highest of heavens,
You came.
striding,
and picked me up.

If my heart has one ambition
If my soul one goal to seek
This my solitary vision
'til I only dwell in Thee
That I only dwell in Thee
'Til I only dwell in Thee

Labels: speak to me in the light of the dawn.

1:31 AM

Corrinne May - Everything In its time

Sometimes i wonder what lies ahead
How long til my hunger is fed
They say it's hard to make it in this part of town
so many people on this merry-go-round

Some folks try astrology
Some turn to crystal balls
To find an answer
To get through it all
I just fall on my knees and i try to pray
in the silence i can hear Him say

The river runs and the river hides
Out to the ocean and under the sky
I promise you, the answer will come
Hold on to patience and watch for the sign
Everything in its time

I often feel like that i'm two steps behind
Somebody must have moved that finish line
There are a thousand reasons
why i should give up
But i'm stubborn in the things i believe

The river runs and the river hides
Out to the ocean and under the sky
I promise you, the answer will come
Hold on to the patience and watch for the sign

'cause maybe there's another plan
One i still cant see
A little surprise, like your love in your life
Funny how time changes how we see

The river runs and the river hides
Out to the ocean and under the sky
I promise you, the answer will come
Hold on to the patience and watch for the sign
Everything in its time
Everything in its time

1:16 AM

forgive me.
i copied this post from somewhere.

"



I asked the heaven of stars
What I could give my love
It answered me with silence,
Silence above.











I asked the darkened sea
Down where the fishes go -
It answered me with silence,
Silence below.











Oh, I could give her weeping,
Or I could give her a song.
But how can I give silence
My whole life long?















Each time I see her, I have no answer. Only that I must wait.
How long? For what? I know not. O God of my bitter moments,
Father of Christ who wept, grant me guidance directly from Thee.
May I ask it in Spirit-spawned faith? Please let us not part again in silence.
How bitter is love unexpressed!

- Jim Elliot





* * * * * * *



Jim Elliot & Elisabeth Howard eventually got married,
and their story has been an inspiration to me in more ways than one….
I quote a stranger’s comment
which I found wholly apposite in summing up my thoughts:



” When many can love each other,
not everyone can love without being loved in return
when many can wait for each other,
not everyone can wait for nothing.

Yet when someone makes that decision to wait and love
with no assurance of a future,
that brings out the true essence of love altogether “"

i shall write to you,
tell you everything on my mind and heart
even though i know you already know it all.

Labels: do it as you will., take my 5 loaves and 2 fishes

12:41 AM

my heart burns for you'
you see past all my lies.

she stared silly.
"why couldn't they remember?"
and she felt like a thin sheet of paper that flew off with the wind.
then she laughed and thought it all doesn't matter anyway.


michael jackson.
why is it only when people died, then do the people around them,
and maybe the whole world would start listening to their music and life stories?
it is so sad, that we only realise somebody is gone
when they are really gone.

oh baby give me one more chance
tell you that i love you
won't you please let me back to your heart.

give me a break.
come on.
please.

the very early dinner with adora and jazreel is the highlight of my past week and many before.
love you guys.
thank you for the best company so far.

10:55 PM

my heart burns for you'
you see past all my lies.

"i'm not like Humphrey."

i read my journal, and it felt so surreal.
like wow. how time flies. and i never knew i had felt so much and had so many experiences.
its amazing and i must give you all glory.
all praise,
and thanks for bringing me to where i am today.
i really thank You.
thank You thank You thank You.
i sigh and i bow my head.
and i pray.

bring me to some place where i can find myself.
and find it in You alone.

thank You for loving me.
(:

12:52 AM

my heart burns for you'
you see past all my lies.

an excerpt from my reflection:

The talk with the HIV patient was one that I had highly anticipated and looked forward to. It was a very real encounter, and I knew in my mind that ‘they are normal people’, but it really struck me this time that, yeah! They are normal people. They lead normal lives, have families, look like normal people, and feel like us normal humans do. It was a really sombre moment when he mentioned that it was just once. One slip of a moment, one hasty decision, that led him to have HIV, and the regret afterward was just so tremendous. I felt that we could relate this to the many moments in our lives, when we make hasty decisions that leave us, and our loved ones so hurt and in despair.
I was really touched by his wife’s devotion and dedication to him to love him no matter what, and it really show the meaning of “til death do us part”. Looking around at the world’s definition of marriage, and how so many marriages fall apart because of financial problems and social problems is really saddening to see that the marriage vows made at the altar mean so little. I was also impressed by his matter-of-fact way of dealing with the situation and how he persevered through everything and still talked and shared so cheerfully about his experience. Of course, there were moments when we knew it wasn’t easy for him, but he shared so openly and freely, with so much sincerity and it really moved my heart to see a man so broken, and yet had the strength to fight on with courage. Surprisingly, he told us he felt so grateful that we were so willing to listen to him and care for him. It really burdened my heart to want to love and care for these patients who feel so cast off and thrown out from society. God loves them as much as He loves me.
And I want to love them too.


so lengthy.
if you read it, i applaud you(:

so many things and thoughts and emotions that fill my heart and mind.

and mum asks me why i can't sleep.
not that i don't want to.
someitimes, i can't.

night cycling on thursday.
it was amazing.
cycled from pasir ris, to changi village, to east coast.
and back to pasir ris.
stopped at changi v to hear and see planes fly.
cycled the long runway, and felt the excitement and adrenaline rush when the planes ran on the runway and took off.
it was so exhilarating.
and oh!
it seemed like a never-ending road,
as our butts were really aching.
and it was dark,
and cold((: what an exchange from the hot weather.
and oh!
did you hear?
did you see?
the trees that silently stood by the road, and were homes to the nightlife of insects and animals.
they sang,
for You.
my King.
and cried out in such symphony.
it was such a beautiful night.
i want to go there with you someday.
to just walk down, or cycle down that dark, cool road.
imagining we were in another place farway,
from the busy life in singapore.
we would sing songs and hymns to our God,
and enjoy that sweet moment together.
what a beautiful night it would be.(:

and what happend later, was so surprising.
when we were stopped by dogs.
a pack of 6 or 7 dogs.
it was quite cool, as i never experienced it before. they sniffed, and licked. barked.
but with their tails wagging.
they refused to let us cross the linking park connector that we were cycling, and barked and growled and followed us when we tried to leave.
all hail melissa who bravely went infront to be the decoy for the rest of us to inch off onto the road.
and i prayed. i knew deep in my heart, they would not hurt us.
because You are in control.
and at Your name, they would not dare to harm us.
but they were quite adorable.
i was so glad i went with my nursing buds, and with people whom i wasn't really close to.
time to get out of your comfort zone.
yay(:
some were in my tut group before.
i thank God every single one of them.
and the cars came, and as we made our way off, they did not follow us.
i resisted the urge to reach out my hand and give the dog an ear-rub.

i still want a Jack Russell.
sighs. after all these years.
but i prob don't have the time to tk care of it also.


i wanted to come out with a list of things i would never get to do, but it would be depressing and too much to type and tink of at this moment in time.
haha.
so i shall leave it.
next time, maybe?

and yeah.
night cycling.
it felt so surreal cycling through east coast park, with the really nice trees and i totally felt like we weren't in singapore. and also while listening to the waves and the wind.
oh i love the salt wind in my face.
adore the beach totally.
and with aching butts, we rested for a good hour at macs, and laughed and met some friends. and its quite funny how we recounted the different reactions that would happen. hahah. they're too glam to be mentioned.
and madupa slipping off into the pendulum swing and mastering the art of listening to our conversations while asleep.
hahaha.
and eating burgers layer by layer.
i shall try it one day.
and it was good to cycle past vj.


it was all so deja vu. like it was my life for 2 years.
and i cycled.
i remembered myself joggin in the hot sun around the lake.
along the Jumbo stretch.
along the bedok jetty.
and on the overhead bridge.
and subway.
and i felt so sad.
and my jogging companions-ah huey, randall, dahh, ngang, mark,
God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit.
and they were such beautiful moments.
ais.
i want them once again.
but once they're gone, you can't bring them back,
can you?

caron, you should start running again.
its already been a week plus.
ughh.

busy-ness.
steals time away from the things that you always set out your heart to do.
and i grit my teeth and can only carry on what i'm made to do.
doing doing doing.
dear Lord.
help me please.

and find me back my voice.
seemes like i've lost it,
OH! the joy of having returned 90 percent.
and now,
i mourn again at its loss.

only You really understand what's going on,
don't you?
and i don't want the glamour of remembering that day.
because you think,
who do you really matter to?
and what does it really mean?

sometimes, it's all just empty words and conversations.
and i should really sleep.

ah huey will laugh at me.

i really wish i could have gone.
on the genting trip.
and leave everything behind for a little while.
but i have all these,
don't i?
and i don't know how to manage them on my own.

so please help me.
i can only do so much.
take my two mites worth Lord.

Labels: now.

1:13 AM

my heart burns for you'
you see past all my lies.

i need a break. really.

and i plead with you,
to break me once again.
i have become proud,
and ignorant.
forgive me dear Lord.

take me life and let it be
consecrated Lord to Thee
take my voice and let me sing
ever only for my King
ever only for my King
take my hands and feet
and let it move
at the impulse of Thy love
at the impulse of Thy love
take my heart and let it be
Thy royal throne

you deserve it all.
you decorate the sky with shades unknown
it was no secret that You loved me
i was the joy that was placed before Your eyes
you lived and died, and rose again on high
i have no intention of holding
anything back from You
in awe i whisper my love song to You
because

You deserve it all
You deserve it all
You deserve it all

1:22 PM

my heart burns for you'
you see past all my lies.

so tired.
and missing people.

12:46 PM

my heart burns for you'
you see past all my lies.

why do i do the things i'm not supposed to,
and not do the things i'm supposed to.

):

cheers to a new look though.
i like the other picture though.

you said you wouldn't regret it.

Labels: sleep caron.

2:58 AM

my heart burns for you'
you see past all my lies.

shout it out (:

-

all the brothers and sisters

-

of old.

-

credits.

-

wonderful people

-